Tori Spelling is working on a memoir to be released in 2008 and is throwing a totally bitchin' yard sale. These nuggets might lead you to believe that Tori really needs some scratch (either because she's sick of eating Kraft dinner every night or because her ultrasound showed a prehensile tail that will be costly to remove. Yeah, we just ragged on a fetus. Deal with it). But we are smarter than you, so we know the truth–selling off her belongings in an estate sale? Divulging her secrets in a tell-all? It all means that Tori's actually dead. She's a zombie, and she's about to eat Dean McDermott's brain!
The estate sale's official website (what, you don't build an official website every time you haul old Kleenex cozies and used copies of Pam Anderson's novel out onto the lawn?) states:
Tori invites you into her house to shop her dazzling valley home, jewelry & closets contents sale. This represents much of her last 15 years of buying & collecting. Included are antique & vintage items from the 19th, 20th, & 21st centuries! French, Italian, Continental, American white wicker, shabby chic, and traditional furniture, crystal chandeliers & sconces, pictures & paintings, lamps, vanity, Toriís personal jewelry, bric-a-brac, memorabilia, garden & patio, designer & casual clothes, shoes, accessories, photos, etc.
That all sounds like a great haul, but what we'll be standing in line for are the jars of formaldehyde-preserved skin removed by Tori's plastic surgeon. They'll look nice on our mantle next to Britney Spears's half-eaten hot dog that we scored on eBay.
And about that memoir, IMDB reports:
Among the topics she plans to cover in the book are plastic surgery, past relationships, and her treatment in her father Aaron Spelling's last will and testament. When the TV mogul died in June, he left behind an estate estimated to be worth more than $300 million, but Tori reportedly received "less than $1 million." She adds, "You have to take everything with a grain of salt. I'm not ashamed to admit that circumstances have changed, and you work with things the best you can."
We're guessing the chapter "Daddy Would've Wanted To Pay for My Botox" will consist of ten pages of "FUCK!!!!" in 400 point font with the coda "My mom is a dirty effing whore."
See Tori in less cash-strapped days at MrSkin.com.
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