For in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.
2009 will forever be known in CelebNewsWire Town as “the year we had to write about useless turds like Jon and Kate and Tila Tequila and Tiger Woods”. Who knew that within a week, Tiger Woods would transform from a Blasian nerd on the golf team to a cocksman on par with Serge Gainsbourg. Here is the latest garbage:
1. Texts Tiger sent to Jaimee Grubbs have leaked. A sampling:
October 1, 2009
Jaimee: is it orange county time yet?
Tiger: oh stop
Jaimee: hahaha I know … but you canceled on me last time so the anticipation is killing me … im finding myself watching sports center … haha j/k it isn’t that bad
Tiger: its never been that bad
Jaimee: very true … I only watch football
Tiger: Figured you would say that. Big black guys.
Jaimee: u are my first, last and only black guy! U should feel special
Tiger: why do I not believe that?
Edward Cullen better watch out because that is some romantic shit.
2. Jaimee was also doing George Clooney at the same time she was doing Woods. That means her ham tunnel walls have seen 300 million dollars.
3. Porn star Joslyn James has come forward and said she’s gone a few rounds inside the Tiger cage. But the only source is her own Facebook, where she bragged about it in a status update. Pfft. Who doesn’t lie on Facebook? Ours says we’re friends with Jessica Burton who works at the Caffeine Hole but she only made us a latte twice! Some friendship!
4. Obligatory love child and sex tape rumors.
5. Holly Sampson, the porn star/$600 an hour call girl who was rumored to be Mistress #7 admitted on Naughty America that she screwed the dude at his bachelor party. She said he had perfect teeth and did not use them to chew her poon. And that he wore a condom. And that he doesn’t do doggie. And also that Kevin Costner has a big dong.
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