Sometime yesterday, after we left work, a teeny flying saucer from the planet Cuckoobananabeans alit on Katie Holmes's prosthetic baby bump. The trapdoor soundlessly slid open, deposited a human girl child, and buzzed back up into the stratosphere. The human girl child's new Earth guardians toasted their new arrival over a light dinner of seared placenta with umbilical cord chutney. Welcome to the world, Suri Cruise!
Poor, tiny, soon-to-be-mentally-screwed-up-beyond-belief Suri was reportedly born sometime yesterday at a Los Angeles area hospital, and weighed in at seven pounds, seven ounces. The name Suri allegedly means "princess" in Hebrew, "red rose" in Persian, and "pickpocket" in Japanese. Tom Cruise's rep released a statement saying that "both mother and daughter are doing well." And by "well", she meant that Katie was doing as well as one could be expected to be doing after being snatched from the warm, nurturing, rosary-laden bosom of her nice Ohioan Catholic family and sold to a foaming-at-the-mouth pygmy who is totally not glib at all. And that the baby appears to be free of scales, tails, and a shit-eating grin.
In related news, Brooke Shields gave birth to a daughter named Grier Hammond Henchy just down the hall from Katie and Tom. You'll remember that Tom famously smack-talked Brooke for taking Zoloft for post-partum depression following the birth of her first child. Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? It's like rain on your wedding day, a free ride when you already paid.
Pics of Tom? You got it. At MaleStars.com.
Kate Cruise is NAAAAKED at MrSkin.com.
The Infant Has Landed
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