Over the weekend we were taken hostage by a couple of glassy-eyed and stiff-limbed members of our local branch of the Church of Scientology and made to watch what they called "mind-correcting informational films" for the better part of two days. When we were finally released into sunlight and allowed to once again intake fluids, we had a deep love and admiration for our patron saint Tom Cruise and knew that we would never again crack wise at his expense. But last night we had an emergency lobotomy and today we can forge ahead with a report on Suri No Middle Name Cruise's all-clear state in regard to engram infestation.
Seeing as we have a long history in forging birth certificates, passports, and driver's licenses, we weren't all that interested in what is supposedly Suri No Middle Name Cruise's birth certificate (other than the fact that she indeed has no middle name). We were more interested in the possible reason why she hasn't appeared in public yet: Big mean overlord L. Ron just won't let her. According to MSNBC:
Speculation has been rampant about why the public, and even some of Cruiseís close friends, reportedly havenít seen the action starís offspring. Rick Ross of Cultnews.com tells The Scoop that devout Scientologist Cruise and his convert sweetie Katie Holmes may be following the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard ó who advised against exposing young children to noise.
ìA negative experience coupled with noise can create what Scientologists call an engram ó which leads to recurring negative reactions,î Ross explains. ìThat might include paparazzi, newspeople, or a clamorous crowd. The only way to remove engrams, Scientologists believe, is through the process they call auditing. When a Scientologist talks about ëreaching clearí ó theyíre talking about clearing engrams from your mind. Tom Cruiseís efforts to create a quiet cocoon around his daughter might be a precaution against engrams.î
Cruise, says Ross, seems increasingly influenced by the Scientology view of the universe.
ìWhile on his worldwide promotion of ëMission Impossible III,í I am told, his behavior was, in a word, paranoid,î says Ross. ìHe was obsessed about the purity of the air and at one point, he was convinced he was being followed and insisted on taking longer routes to places. He was also quite concerned about whether locks worked and had them checked. Scientologists are not only afraid of creating engrams, theyíre also afraid of the effects of those around them who they call Suppressive Persons or SPs. Itís possible that Tom Cruise is being overcome by his Scientology training and thatís leading to a paranoid world view that is being reflected in his behavior with baby Suri.î
Back in the '80s (otherwise known as that horrible, horrible time before Botox and Starbucks) we had a recurring nightmare involving Tom Cruise. He was always wearing a white button-down, no pants, and tube socks and was most often poorly crooning "You've Lost that Lovin' Feelin'". Then he would pop his mouth back like a Pez dispenser and clamp his jaws around our entire head, take it off in one clean bite, and demonically smile while he slowly masticated and our red, gooey blood dripped down his chin. For decades having Tom Cruise eat our head was our biggest fear (other than those creepy kids in Children of the Corn), but our one reassurance was that something so evil and hideous could never happen in real life. Then we entered the year 2005 and TomKat was born, and every day Tom inches a little bit closer to our nightmare (except now he'd probably be wearing $2000 sunglasses and designer girly jeans). But maybe there's still a chance that Tom will go in a different direction and lock up himself, Suri No Middle Name, and Kate in his compound and become a Howard Hughes-like figure, drinking his own urine and wholly distrusting the outside world.
Kate Cruise for your perusal at MrSkin.com.
Check it, dog: Tom Cruise at MaleStars.com.
