The world demands equilibrium from its celebrities. A beloved starlet goes off to rehab? A younger, hotter, less-drugged-out (for now) starlet pops up in Us Weekly in her place. This law is why today we heard about two celebrity unions and two celebrity divorces. First up, Jaime Pressly did the sensible thing and married a lawyer. Because if Hollywood marriages are built on lies and deceit, you might as well nab someone with experience in those fields.
Jaime’s happy day was balanced out by the heartbreak of a lesser celebrity. Way lesser. Emmy Rossum is no longer a Sadie, Sadie, married lady. We’d love to give you details on this split, but we’re too confused trying to remember who Emmy Rossum is. When we first read the story, we thought, “Emma Roberts is getting divorced? Isn’t she like 15?” But no. Emmy is someone else. She might be in movies, we think. Or sing maybe? Although our best guess is that she’s actually grown-up Vicki the Robot who shows up on every red carpet and smiles a lot until she needs to be recharged. That seems the sensible answer.
Also wed this weekend was Claire Danes, who no longer has a very fancy fiance now that she’s married to Hugh Dancy. Do you think there was lots of fancy dancing at the ceremony? Or do you think Dancy was nervous and had antsies in his pantsies for the whole thing to be done with?
Also calling it quits were Fred Durst and some pretty lady, who were married for a whopping three months. Our guess is that it took Esther those three months to figure out the YouTubes and find the “Nookie” video. Either that, or he asked her to touch his balls and his ass.
The only question left is who will pay for the marriage of Khloe Kardashian? Everyone. Everyone will pay. Or at least everyone with a subscription to OK!
You know what’s more fun than touching Fred Drust’s balls and ass? Subscribing to CelebNewsWire’s RSS feed.
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