Gear up for 1987, kids, itís metal mania family feud time. Weíve got Bruce Dickinson vs. the Osbournes and Sebastian Bach vs. Vince Neilís entire family. Complete with projectiles and more swear words than an S&M session between Courtney Love and a sailor on leave.
First up, Ozzfest, where Sharon Osbourne allegedly convinced fans and other musicians to shower Iron Maiden frontman Bruce Dickinson with eggs, beer, and other miscellany. Osbourne was said to be upset over an interview with Dickinson in Kerrang! in which Dickinson made fun of the Osbourne clanís reality TV show. (Weíre not sure where to go with this next, as weíre in a little bit of shock over the fact that Kerrang! is still in existence. We havenít seen that magazine since 1989 when we clipped out a picture of Trixter and taped it to our pillow.) Along with having foreign objects hurled at the stage, Iron Maidenís set was plagued with ìtechnical difficultiesî and Sharon got on stage when the band finished and called Dickinson a prick. Then the heat from the stage lights started to melt Sharonís face and she had to rush off to find a plastic surgeon. Or at least thatís what our friendís cousin Chainsaw told us. He was there. And he was wearing an authentic Stryper tour T-shirt, so dudeís got cred. (And just in case you wanted some actual news, Iron Maiden will not be finishing up Ozzfest and will be replaced by Velvet Revolver. So we bet metal fans will be thrilled.)
Next up weíve got former Skid Row frontman and current Gilmore Girls cover-band dynamo Sebastian Bach. Bach was invited to a recent Mˆtley Cr¸e show and given a seat next to Vince Neilís family in the VIP section. But Vinceís people arenít the biggest ì18 and Lifeî fans and asked Neilís people to have Bach and his wife moved to another section. A source close to the family said, ìThey canít stand Sebastian. Heís a pompous asshole–and those are his good qualities.î Ho ho. Good once, source. Another source claims that Bach did his best Naomi Campbell impression when he was made to switch seats. ìHe started cursing at the band while they were playing onstage. He started throwing anything around him at Vince Neil–cups, beer cans, soda, and food. He just lost it. Security finally stepped in and carried him out. He just kept screaming, ëMˆtley Cr¸e is over! Mˆtley Cr¸e is over!í Vince was friends with Sebastian, but this is the end.î Sebastian Bach–a man whoís best ìworkî in the past fifteen years has been repeatedly appearing on Metal Mania on VH1 Classic–is proclaiming that Mˆtley Cr¸e is over? The next time Bach plays one of his sold-old concerts in his rec room, we hope one of the stuffed teddy bears throws beer at him and yells, ìSebastian Bach is over!î But we saved the best part for last: The whole tantrum was said to be caught on tape by cameras for Tommy Lee Goes to College. We canít wait for that episode.
