Hey, guys, it's Reese Witherspoon here, and I just want to take a few minutes to talk about the state of my womb, because it is TOTALLY EMPTY. And what Star magazine said about me is just totally mean. I used to think it was funny when they would say that Jennifer Lopez was pregnant when she wasn't. Because you just know that she goes like three weeks eating nothing but celery sticks and lemon water and then flips out and eats like four burritos and that's when the paparazzi catch her looking all swollen in the belly. But I'm not like that, I swear, I cook dinner every night and I eat everything on my plate, because I don't waste things. Because that's the way I was raised–in a proper home. So that's why I'm suing Star. Because I learned a few things from Paul Newman when I worked with him on that one movie where I showed my tits–which I will NEVER do again, so stop asking me–and the most important thing is to not take any shit from so-called journalists. Because I will always make more money than they do, which makes me better than them.
Yeah, so maybe I haven't been hitting the gym as much as I should, but that's just because every time I go I get mobbed by the paparazzi, and they tend to make me cry, and a good Southern girl is never seen with smudged mascara in public. So usually I stay home with my kids. Because I have a FAMILY. A wonderful, loving family, and my husband and I are totally in love. But not so in love that we have to squirt out babies every other year. I may be Southern, but I am not Britney Spears. So it really hurt me when Star said I looked pregnant, because maybe I wasn't looking my best that day, but I'm no Star Jones. Pick on her for a change. She has a gay husband, which I SO DO NOT. What do you people want from me, anyway? Do you want me to look like this? Because I really don't think that the world needs any more of those girls walking around making normal healthy people feel like cows. So anyway, I'm suing Star and I'm totally going to win, because my lawyers are the best, just listen to this statement:
Contrary to the fabricated Cover Story, the true facts are that (Reese) is not pregnant, does not have a 'baby bump' and has not otherwise gained weight such that she has had to resort to wearing 'empire-waist dresses,' 'baggy clothing,' or an 'old-fashioned 1920s bathing suit.'
I should make another one of those Legally Blonde movies so I can use that statement. It would be perfect. Plus, I'd get paid a lot of money. And I know that people think that I'm the second coming of Gwyneth Paltrow or something and that I'm cold and mean and don't know how to laugh, but I'm FUN, people. Didn't you see the dress I wore to the Oscars? I looked like a little girl dressing up as a fairy godmother, and no one has more fun than little girls playing dress up. Plus, I let my kids eat sugar. That shows that I'm fun and flexible and understand other people's needs. But I should go now, because my husband Ryan went running with Jake Gyllenhaal, like, five hours ago, so he should be home any minute. It's funny how much time they spend running together, yet they seem to be in worse shape than they were a few months ago. I just don't get it.
Reese will sue a bitch at MrSkin.com.
