If you weren't mingling with Tinseltown's best and brightest and smarmiest at Bungalow 8 last night, you missed quite the little bitchfight between Stephen "Blade" Dorff and Jeremy "Scooby Doo in Where's My Mummy?" Piven. The two allegedly dissolved into a rousing game of "Who's the D-listiest?" and near-fisticuffs after Dorff, obviously coasting on the kind of career high that only starring in a TV mini-series based on a Robert Ludlum novel can bring, violated the golden rule of "no frontsies, no backsies."
According to a spy for Page Six, both thespians were acting like big fat dumb giant d-bags all night, and then Dorff cut in front of Piven in the line to the men's loo, prompting the following exchange:
Piven: "Yo, what are you doing? You know you don't need to cut the line!"
Dorff: "I can do what I want!"
Piven: "No, you can't!"
Dorff: "Yes, I can!"
Piven: "You're a has-been!"
Dorff: "At least I am a movie star – you're only on TV! Cable TV!"
We'd like to offer ourselves up as a neutral third party to look objectively at both men's careers and determine the victor.
Piven
Plusses: Is a midwesterner. Was in Lucas, Grosse Pointe Blank, Black Hawk Down, and Old School. Entourage is insanely popular. Actually had malaria once, which is pretty bad ass.
Minuses: Recently fired by his rep for being an obnoxious tool. Was in Car 54, Where Are You?, Very Bad Things, Serendipity, and Chasing Liberty. Nicknamed "The Pivert" (might actually be a plus). Uttered the much-maligned line "Don't be THAT GUY" in PCU, inspiring generations of frat boy morons to adopt the phrase and spew it, often and with zeal.
Dorff
Plusses: Porked Pam Anderson. Started his career on Diff'rent Strokes and was featured in I Know My First Name is Steven, a.k.a. The Greatest TV Mini-series Ever. Played the dead Beatle. Was in a John Waters movie.
Minuses: Listen, he starred as the oldest son in a syndicated television sitcom that was centered around a zany, wisecracking ventriloquist's dummy named Buzz that offered advice–and racy barbs–to a New Jersey family. Fuck it–we're just gonna go ahead and award the victory to Piven.
Judge for yourself: Stephen Dorff is at MaleStars.com.
And Piven is there too, for certain.
