When we were in the fourth grade we had a boyfriend named Timmy. We were totally happy and in love for, like, two and a half whole weeks, but then we realized that Timmy was a really lame name and he couldnít even afford to buy us the really good candy, so we found a new boyfriend and broke up with Timmy over the phone while our new boyfriend listened on the other end of our Swatch phone. Itís so nice to know that our patented fourth-grade break-up style was also employed by Paris Hilton when she told Paris Latsis to find a new pet vagina.
For a while there we figured that man Paris had wised up and dumped lady Paris so that she would stop making him wear pictures of her on his clothing. But we were wrong; lady Paris actually did the dumping. And just so she wouldnít have any whiff of maturity surrounding the thing, she did it over the phone, while stolen Mary-Kate giant Stamos Nachos listened in, stating that although she loved him a really, really lot, she was just so busy with soccer practice and the science fair and getting her braces off next month that she didn't think it was fair to keep dating him when she couldn't give him all of her attention. Now this may look like a situation that lady Paris controls, but we Americans just donít know those wily Greek shipping heirs. They are a harsh lot. A source told Page Six that Stamos "will never be with [Paris] seriously. Stavros is just having fun." And by fun he means sex. Lots and lots of night-vision, porn-star-quality sex. And Stamos Nachos is not the only one taking advantage of lady Paris and her wee little mothball-sized brain. When asked about her giant engagement ring, Hilton told Us Weekly, "Paris says I can keep the engagement ring. He says I earned it." And how exactly did she earn a multimillion-dollar rock? By comforting Paris through his night terrors and baking him a nice batch of lemon poppyseed muffins? Not according to man Parisís friends, one of whom said, "How else did she earn it? With sex. Like a hooker. It's a diss and she didn't get it–no surprise." Weíre beginning to miss man Paris, what with his family calling her a ìpromiscuous innkeeperís daughterî and his friends saying sheís a prostitute with the brain capacity of a roadkill squirrel. Perhaps now that heís available again some enterprising young thing with waning levels of self-esteem will snatch him up, like Kimberly Stewart of Lindsay Lohan–although Linds would be more likely to go for his father.
Check out Paris's maturity level at MrSkin.com.
Paris Hilton Dumb, Immature, and Easy? Who Knew.
Previous post: Jessica Alba: Into the Boob
Next post: Hey, Looky. It's Eva Longoria. And She's Wearing a Bikini Again.
