Look at that succulent morsel at left. We’re certain you’re looking at that and thinking, “How can I, a mere mortal, resemble such beauty? How can I posess hair like a double processed muppet? Eyelids that find it impossible to stay open of their own accord? Why do I not have immobile protrusions in my chest with all the give of unripe avocados?” The answer, according to Pamela Anderson, is that you’re not screwing enough. The Sun reports:
PAMELA ANDERSON says a frisky sex life is the secret to her cracking figure. The former Baywatch star, 42, puts her toned body and radiant skin down to the extensive time spent between the sheets.
She said: “Looking good to me has always been because of the amount of sex I’m getting! I’ve hardly ever been a member of a gym and I can’t follow diets.”
This is a big coup for proponents of abstinence. The threat of unwanted pregnancy, moral misgivings, and possible VD hasn’t seemed to deter the masses from unbridled boning, but the promise of looking like the unwanted child of Linda Hogan and a caulk gun just might.
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Oh, I’m not going there. I refuse to go to places where the scary things are, and I don’t know hockey mask wearing killers with a thing for chainsaws and naked cheerleaders. At least those jokers are honest about their feelings and ambitions. This chick was gone a long time ago.
What sort of sounds do her breasts make when touched, I wonder?
Whoopee cushion, most likely. Not the kind of sound you want to hear when you’re getting it on. (A big dog’s growl and the cocking of a double-barreled shotgun come a close second.)
I HATE NURSES!!!