Good day to you. Today is July 8, 2009, and Michael Jackson is still dead, as you probably gathered from the huge creepy memorial that was broadcast yesterday. For some unknown reason, we ended up watching the entire thing, start to finish, and even live Tweeted it. If, 10 years ago, you had come to us and said, "In 2009 you will livetweet a televised funeral" we would have told you to get the fuck out of town. Right before we asked you what "livetweet" meant. For those 6 people on Earth who didn't see the Greatest Show on Earth, here's what you missed:
ï Technical difficulties. Lots of them.
ï Janet looking F-I-E-R-C-E in a 1940s get-up, like Bonnie at Clyde's funeral if Bonnie hadn't also died and then attended Clyde's funeral because he did die or something.
ï Jermaine not singing "Dynamite" and Rebbie not singing "Centipede".
ï John Mayer playing a guitar Musak instrumental "Human Nature" while making his patented "blowing a load" face.
ï Everyone on stage expressing their condolences to Michael's mom and siblings, but never his dad.
ï Maya Angelou poem. Duh, it was a somber gathering of luminaries. Of course there would be an Angelou poem.
ï Magic Johnson talking about KFC.
ï Al Sharpton implying that Michael Jackson caused Obama to be elected.
ï Brooke Shields, being the only other cracker onstage other than Mayer.
ï Usher (who was not an usher) in sunglasses singing to Michael's gilded casket which looked oddly like a chafing dish.
ï And then, a dwarf Chaz Bono took the stage and sang!
ï And then, at the very very end, when our faces hurt from chuckling at the overblown pretension of it all, when our bowels were churning uncomfortably, MJ's adorable daughter Paris took the mic and with one tearful sentence: "I Just wanted to say that ever since I was born, Daddy has been the best father you can ever imagine. And I just want to say I love him. So much" completely made us forget about the pompous spectacle and melted our tarry little black hearts and made us feel horrible for making all the ha-has. Paris touched us. Touched us like her dad touched . . . what? We were going to say "touched us like her dad touched the baby tiger on the Thriller cover." Jeeeeeez.
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Did you know that the CEO at Pepsi set his hair on fire in honor of the event?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? That was the most insincere, forced good-bye I have ever seen. So very fake!!!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? That was the most insincere, forced good-bye I have ever seen. So very fake!!!
I don't know. Setting your hair on fire intentionally seems to suggest a certain level of sincerity.
Can anyone tell me who is the cute blond guitarist in the rehearsal video and performing in the memorial?
If I had to guess, I'd say it's either the young Greg Allman or the old Lita Ford.