Matthew McConaughey and the Tribal, Pukey Pecker

When contemplating what stories to cover this morning, we thought, “Eh, who cares about girls in bikinis or which drug won out in Amy Winehouse’s nightly intoxication lottery? We want to hear Matthew McConaughey talking about his newborn son’s wiener!” So here you have Mr. JK Livin’ with his son, Levi, and high-tech incubation machine, Camila Alves, on the cover of OK! magazine. Notice the look of joy on Camila’s face, Matthew’s stoic pride, and little Levi’s eager-to-please enthusiasm for life. Oh, did we say life? We meant weed. Enthusiasm for weed. It’s as if the trio was playing a little puff-puff-give while the photographer set up the snap and the joint had to be cruelly yanked from between McConaughey the younger’s lips just seconds before the flash went off. But accompanying this heartwarming profitable family portrait is an even better interview with typical McConaughey nuggets. Some highlights:

ï “Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music.”
ï “We ended up having an epidural because, on the large contractions, the umbilical cord was being compressed. They went in and tried the vacuum. This is where I learned ó and no one tells you this ó but having a baby is a bloody, pukey, sweaty, primeval thing! And I mean that as a beautiful thing. It is wild. But the vacuum didn’t work, and the doctor said, ‘C-section.’”
ï “I said, ‘Come here, little man. I saw the pecker and screamed that we’d been right all along about him being a boy. Then I brought him over to her [Camila].’”

The one thing we think when we encounter interviews with Matthew McConaughey is, “Why can’t he be more open? He’s just so guarded.” We’re guessing the full OK! interview holds a description of what a dilated vagina looks like close up.

And just because we can, here’s the trailer for Matthew’s upcoming cinematic masterpiece Surfer, Dude. We think Matt, Woody Harrelson, and Willie Nelson probably got together one day to concoct a way to make the moviegoing experience truly special by constructing each movie ticket entirely out of weed. But someone probably pulled out the bong before this theatrical marvel could be fully planned out. What a loss.