OK, so Eva Longoria's publicist is denying a few rumors about her love life that have appeared in the press recently. "Great," we thought. "That right there is the stuff of titillation! Let us dip our quills in the proverbial inkwell and get started, post haste!" Then we stared at the blank computer screen for twenty minutes, trying to think of an Eva Longoria joke we haven't already beaten into the ground with bloodied clubs. So instead we'll post pictures of Eva in the lastest issue of Maxim, Photoshopped to smoothed-out, stretched-out perfection so that Joe Fratguy can safely manually stimulate his genitals to it without being reminded of the fact that human females have pubic hair, pores, ankle bones, and creases at the knee.
Yeah, so a few media outlets reported that Eva (1.) wants a "full-on gay experience" after kissing a female friend, and that (2.) she likes to dress up in revealing clothes and then go out to make boyfriend Tony Parker jealous. Her publicist says that both stories are completely untrue. Terrific! Now that we've gotten that out of the way, more Maxim pictures of Eva lounging around the house and car, clad in underwear and drapey fur and flotaki. You know, just hanging around like you and me.
This is what they call "dazzle camouflage". You see, during WWI, the British and U.S. Armies painted their boats with kooky crazy patterns in an attempt to confuse the enemies' rangefinders, thus making it difficult to determine the ships' direction and speed. See? You totally forgot about the fact that this story contains no story.
If you need another shot of Eva, head to MrSkin.com.
