In the sixties, people took a lot of speed and then stayed up all night stringing beads and gluing tiny sequins on things and sorting buttons over and over, or so we have read. In 2006, they do a passel of blow and then sit down to pen a paranoia-fueled letter suggesting that it's up to the bare-beaved celebutards of the world to bring peace to the land while painting Al Gore as a latter-day Elliot Mintz in superhero tights.
We thought nothing could match the feelings of patriotism, pride, and pathos inspired by Lindsay's previous literary effort, Robert Altman Died So Be Adequite, but this head-scratching, lip-chewing, eye-crossing mass email comes close. PageSix.com quotes from Lindsay's Letter of Truth:
"Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary [sic] Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan Metroplis [sic], and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK."
Lohan was apparently inspired to send out the e-mail by a Page Six item on her "mean girls diva fit" at a GQ magazine party in L.A. Referring to a supermarket tabloid report claiming she had overdosed on drugs, she wrote, "Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character."
Invoking what she puzzlingly calls the "way of the future-Howard Hughes," her desire is to "release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite [sic] letter to the press."
Lohan says she wants to state her opinions on "how our society should be educated for the better of our country. Our people . . . because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see."
Lohan then mentions taking a mystery person she refers to as "LR" to court for "what she's done to me.
"It's my life. I want to live it. People cannot lie and think that it is okay to continue on having done so. I have had many ups and downs, as do we all. But to make false accusations to one girl is unjust in my opinion. I am willing to do anything I need to get my life the way it should be."
Lohan said she wanted to "hold a press conference" and "will do anything necessary to do so." She said she is at "such a young and tender age in a woman's life. It's enough already, I've had enough and I am going to be the one to make a change."
We feel a little (a LITTLE) bad for snarking at this. As fun as it is to needle shallow starlets and whatever habits they may have, this letter was obviously penned by someone in dire need of help. When you're looking for an image boost from a dude who once inspired his intern to insert a cigar into her choca, you're a little touched in the head.
Lohan, less literary, at MrSkin.com.
