Gotta Motor

Allow me to break from the journalistic “we” for a moment and go all first person on you. When I was 10 or so, I went to a birthday sleepover. We did all the normal slumber party crap–ate pizza, had pillow fights, futzed around with a Ouija board, and watched a horror movie. That movie was Piranha, and it scared the turds out of me so bad that I zipped my entire sleeping bag over my head and slept that way.

Fast forward to present day, and they’re currently filming a 3-D remake of Piranha, starring Jessica Szohr from Gossip Girl, Elisabeth Shue, and Richard Dreyfuss. And these pictures leaked from the set today, depicting porn star Riley Steele motorboating the excellent, storied fun sacks of Kelly Brook. And I dunno, man, this movie just doesn’t seem so scary anymore. I mean, the possibility of getting your head caught between Riley’s thrashing head and Kelly’s jouncing rack might give you a slightly black eye or maybe some nipple burn on your ear, but that’s not anything to make you zip yourself up into a Shirt Tales sleeping bag.

Oh wait, look! We found the scary part. Elisabeth Shue’s guns. She could open cans of spinach with those biceps and then send Bluto to the moon with one left hook.