Hey guys, Jessica Simpson here, and I just wanted you to know that I am sooo in love with my husband. Heís hot, isnít he? His boyish smile and those dimples you could swim in are way better than Johnny Knoxvilleís white-trash ístache and long, muscular tongue. Mmmmmmmm, Johnnyís tongue . . . um, what was I saying? Oh yeah, I looked hot in those Daisy Dukes, didnít I? I really have a great ass (and I did NOT use implants). So there is no f-ing way that Nick cheated on me with some little skanky college-freshman whore. Sheís a liar. ëCause Iím hot shit, mothafuckers, and no one would ever cheat on me or my daddy would cut off his penis. He told me he would.
So, yeah, Nick was at a high-school football game in Columbus, Ohio, for some reason, I donít really know ëcause I only pay attention to him when heís telling me how hot I am. No, I didnít mean that, I meant that I knew exactly where he was, but I couldnít be there ëcause I was working, even though my heart aches whenever Iím away from Nick for even five minutes. But Iím really busy and important. And if I need to go to five clubs in one night and drink my weight in Jim Beam Black itís my business, so lay off. Itís part of the job. I have to be in every magazine every week or people will forget about me. And I will not let that happen, do you hear me, little blonde bitches? You will not take my place ëcause I am better than you. So anyway, Nick was in Ohio, and some skanky nineteen-year-old hobag was trying to hit on him. As if she could ever top me; I am hot and famous and rich and will do really nasty things if he asks me to. But she got mad that he wouldnít give her some of his good loviní and started telling lies to Star magazine, saying she went up to his hotel room and they made out and she even said that "he was a really good kisser, soft and gentle even though he was using his tongue to French kiss me.î Whatever. That is so a lie. Nick doesnít do foreplay; heís an action man. And he knows I like it rough, so he doesnít have much practice with that whole soft-and-gentle thing. And I donít care if she passed some sort of lie-detector test. Those things donít work. Theyíre like IQ tests. And I know those donít work ëcause I took one once and it said my IQ was like seventy, but itís just ëcause the questions were really hard and can only be answered by people who finished high school. And I was too busy working to go to classes. ëCause Papa told me he wouldnít love me anymore if I didnít bring home lots of money.
And as for those mean magazines who are trying to say that Nick and I are getting divorced, theyíre liars too. And theyíre mean. My daddy used to make sure that they never said mean things about me being a drunk and slutty diva, but heís been mad at me lately for saying that Jesus wouldnít love him anymore if he touched me like that again, so heís let them say whatever they want. And theyíre mean. They totally make things up. Nick and I are in love and they just canít handle it. Theyíve never seen love like ours before. Itís going to last forever and ever and weíre going to have lots of pretty babies and then weíre going to go to Heaven together. Thatís how in love we are. And Iím not just saying that so that I can give OK! magazine an exclusive story on the divorce that is so totally not happening. Iím going to give OK! an exclusive story on how in love I am with Nick and how we have sex four times a day and how I am all the woman he will ever need, ëcause I am totally hot and a freak in bed. You got that, bitches? All the liars can suck it ëcause I know the truth.
MrSkin.com has pictures of me, and I would be mad at him, but I look pretty damn hot in them.
