Christian love is a beautiful thing. It’s like a warm, golden, heterosexual light beaming down from the open hands of Jesus into one’s heart, filling them with selfless adoration for all God’s creatures: from the mighty elephant down to the lowly crack whore. Just no sluts. Definitely not sluts. Sorry, Jessica Simpson.
Doesn’t being a pastor’s daughter and a virgin ’til marriage count for anything these days? Apparently not. Poor, sweet, superjiggly Jessica Simpson’s own people–God-fearing Christian types–have turned against her after catching a peek at that monumentally whorey (in a good way!) “These Boots . . . ” video.
A Christian group calling itself “The Resistance” was stunned after checking out the video, which depicts Jessica wearing very little in the way of modest clothing, gyrating hypnotically, serving booze in a bar, before all the action culimates in her scrubbing down a car with her bikini-clad bazooms, foamy suds dripping suggestively down her secular form. The group has ordered Jess to shoot a “clean” version of the video and apologize for all the sin. Resistance spokesman John Conner had harsh words for our charming dingbat, saying, “She should be ashamed of herself. It’s disappointing to have Jessica, a pastor’s daughter and Christian role model, join the ranks of the ‘singing strippers’ such as Christina Aguilera. “She has one of the most beautiful voices and is a very beautiful girl, but it’s sad to see her whore herself out like this. What’s worse is that pastor Joe Simpson is Jessica’s manager, as well as her father.” As well as her lover! Juuuuust kidding. Maybe.
Jessica Simpson: Latter-Day Mary Magdalene
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