Before, we had a “never write about Heidi Montag” rule, but now that she has an entirely new face and body, it’s like writing about a different person, so full steam ahead. Two months after being chopped up and then reanimated as a Real Doll, Heidi says she’s starting to get feeling back in her face. Joy and rapture! She tells Access Hollywood:
“I’m starting to move my face more and more. [But,] I feel very plastic… especially when I first came out, it was so hard for me even to smile and it’s still hard for me to chew sometimes . . . “At first I kept saying my boobs aren’t big enough. I wanted 800 cc’s and I ended up getting about 650 cc’s. 800 is the largest size that they make. I wanted them to be larger originally, but this is all that could fit into my body. They’re triple D’s or F’s pretty much, I wanted ‘H’ for Heidi but that didn’t really happen that way.”
Ungh! Yeah! That is so goddamn sexy. A woman carved up like an Easter roast, overstuffed sacks of oozing gel threatening to burst out of her straining chest, her Cream of Wheat dribbling down her chin as she attempts to gum it with her Octomom lips. Beauty is pain!
Oh, and Heidi’s new album? It’s sold 1000 copies. 500,000 copies equals a gold record, 1 million is platinum, and 2 million is multi-platinum. 1000 is certified balsa. 1500 and you get a coat of nail polish on it for a nice shine and a two-pack of Bumpits, so reach for the stars, Heidi.
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I think North Korea would love some of her shit. I mean, that’s about the only place it’ll sell out.
Damn… 2500 sales and she could go PLASTIC!!!
Oh wait… she alread WENT plastic!!!
Typo in the article subject.
It shouled read “Heidi Montag Is A Suckful Recording Artist”. Please correct this outrageous error.
Thank you.