Gross Topic of the Day: Heidi Montag’s Orgasms

heidi-montag-spencer-pratt-snakeSome days we just want to watch you suffer. That’s why today is filled with Hannah Montana’s cherries, tales of Jon and Kate, and now Heidi Montag‘s sex life. Yay! Maybe if you’re lucky we can scare up a story about Denise Richards’s bowel movements. Anywho, Heidi’s Playboy pics have hit the web (we won’t post ‘em due to our overwhelming fear of men in expensive suits, but you can see them at Hollywood Tuna), and—surprise!—there’s no actual nudity. Maybe, MAYBE, a tiny bit of butt crack, but not really. But the accompanying interview, that shit’s gold. If by “gold” we mean “horribly disgusting piles of upchucked sweet corn.” If you don’t want to know what a wonderful, expert lover Spencer Pratt is, stop reading now. If you do want to know, you’ve got moxie, kid. Spencer conducted the Playboy interview, in which Heidi said:

You know, I was never very sexual before I met you, Spencer. I knew what sex was, but when I met you I entered into a whole new realm of understanding, from fantasy to love. Or to experience a day with 20 or 30 orgasms. Before you, sex was just something that happened. Now it’s something I look forward to every minute of the day . . . it makes me want to try every new thing, doing it all kinds of ways — indoors, outdoors, upside down.

Man, 20 to 30 times a day? How do they find the time? We’d think that famewhoring would take up at least 90% of their day. Maybe that deal they made with the devil included erasing the need for sleep.

Follow us on Twitter and maybe we’ll tell you how many orgasms we have a day. Probably not. But we will definitely tell you how many craps we take a day.

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WeirdArchives August 14, 2009 at 10:29 am

Imagining these two having sex would be like watching your grandparents having anal on the web. Something I would not want to see or even know about. Suicide would be preferable to watching these idiots having sex…or doing anything else, for that matter.

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ciseEscak May 27, 2011 at 2:15 am

A ten year old student in Jack Dailey Elementary School is so envious of his classmate’s pearly whites that he tried to steal his braces!

Edison Montgomery found Daniel Henry’s teeth to be perfect despite the braces that partially hide her now perfectly aligned teeth. Montgomery found it so perfect that he actually decided to steal Henry’s braces while on camp! Both students were on a camping trip sponsored by the school when Montgomery tried to remove Henry’s braces while the latter was asleep with the help of pliers. Henry woke up and grew scared when he found Montgomery on top of him with pliers on his hand. The camp facilitator’s were quick to respond when they heard Montgomery’s cry for help. When asked, Daniel Henry confessed that he didn’t mean to harm his classmate, he was just plain envious of his teeth.

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Amanocofimpam September 22, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward was arrested early Saturday outside Atlanta on a drunken driving charge, sheriff’s officials said.

The former Super Bowl MVP and reigning “Dancing With the Stars” champ was booked into the DeKalb County jail at 3:41 a.m. and charged with driving under the influence. A jail official said he was released on $1,300 bond, though the sheriff’s office website said his bond was set at $1,000. The discrepancy couldn’t be immediately resolved Saturday.

The sheriff’s office said it had turned over paperwork to the courts and couldn’t release any further information about the player’s arrest. DeKalb County police did not return repeated emails and phone calls seeking details of the arrest.

Atlanta lawyer Andrew Ree issued a statement saying the 35-year-old Ward cooperated fully with police and truthfully answered their questions.

Read more! City News Local

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