Picture Eva Mendes. Her skin creamy cocoa latte. Her hair like bronzed silk. She comes to you at night in a diaphanous robe, a halo of soft light illuminating her indecent beauty. She leans toward you, closer, closer . . . she smells like fresh-baked cinnamon rolls. A sexy, shy smile tugs at the corners of her full, ripe lips. Closer yet she comes, and then . . . then . . . she rips an enormous, flappy whale of a fart louder than a sonic boom and ranker than a dumpster in Chinatown. According to our gossip gastroenterologist, FemaleFirst, Eva claims that she and pal Cameron Diaz traveled to Nepal for Cam's travel show, and they passed the time by passing something else. You know. Gas. Says Eva:
"Cameron is a big old belcher, but I can't belch. One night I had a heavy dinner, so I combated her belching with something I could do. We were in side-by-side beds, so it was her disgusting bodily function versus mine. It was an Eva-Cameron fart-belch off."
Unfortunately, Eva does not elaborate and tell us who won. And hopefully, it was not a draw. According to the Official Fart-Belch Off Rulebook, fifth edition, revised, ". . . In the instance of a tie, the first opponent to produce a gaseous eruption 'with change'; i.e. a fecal leak in the case of the flatulence opponent, and what is known colloquially as 'throwing up in [one's] mouth a little' in the case of the orally gaseous opponent, shall be declared the victor." Let's just say that after the maids had to come and take care of Eva and Cameron's hotel room, Nepal was no longer known as a peaceful land.
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