ï Pink says she wants to have lezzie sex with Kelly Osbourne. Well, that makes one of us.
ï Jessica Alba pokes our eyes out. With her tits.
ï RenÈe Zellweger's behatted bygone ball and chain Kenny Chesney assures us that he's "pretty firm" in his sexuality. Just pretty firm, though.
ï Stamos Nachos learns an important lesson: when driving Paris Hilton's Bentley under the influence while chased by paparazzi and while bystanders are filming the whole melee, do not obscure your drunken double vision with your jacket or you will crash into a truck, leaving your girlfriend no other recourse than to blow kisses at the cops. Oh, please, like we all haven't been there.
ï Mischa Barton's publicist once urged her to play hide-the-hot-dog with Leonardo diCaprio to further her career. Mischa expressed digust, not because he looks like a weepy-eyed Pekingese or the fact that he was on Growing Pains and totally has gross Ben Seaver germs, but because he's "like, thirty, or something".
ï Jessica Simpson tried to pull an Angelina and went on a humanitarian mission to Africa, only to fake sick. Because she's an asshole.
ï Models! Fluffy wings! Horny elves! Tyra Banks's farewell to modeling! Asses curiously devoid of cellulite! Light-up tit-tays! Candy canes! Inexplicable puffballs! High-res pics! Heidi Klum having a better body 8 hours after giving birth than we had at age 16! It's the Victoria's Secret fashion show! Wheeee!
