Happy birthday, Britney Spears! This is your day to shine, your day to be treated like a princess and receive unparalleled amounts of love and devotion from family and friends. It's also your day to bust out the Lysol and Febreeze and rid your house of the stench of weed and Cheeze-Wiz farts left behind by your talentless husband. And your day to change all of Sean's dirty diapers, since you kicked Kevin out, and he wouldn't have helped care for his own child even if he were there anyway, even on your g.d. birthday, the damn lazy bastard.
After all that Britney's put up with–the hours wasted on corn-row installation, the botched munchy runs when he would totally space and only bring back a half-eaten bag of Funyuns and some Diet Mountain Dew–what could have possibly pushed Britney over the edge and made her send Kevin off to the Beverly Hills Hotel? Enter the weedman. When a friend of Kevin's (read: his dealer) came to the house where they do such wholesome things as bake cookies and giggle over the word balls, Britney snapped. A source told Star magazine:
"Britney turned around and fired two of her longtime security guards for letting what she called 'the weedman' into the house. She just seemed crazy with anger."
As another day passes, another leaf falls lifeless to the ground only to be mangled beneath a muddy boot, so the storybook union of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline draws ever closer to an end. Like sands through the hourglass . . . oh, screw this crap. What are we really thinking, deep down inside? Whoo fucking hoo, that's what. As we see it, Britney is holding Kevin back. Kevin possesses so much trash, such a lack of class that he's lending part of it to Britney. She used to at least be able to pretend that she was birthed by humans and not trashcan-dwelling relatives of Oscar the Grouch and could actually slap on a little lipstick and about three millimeters of clothing and look pretty damn hot. We would like that Britney back. Mostly because that would leave Kevin to claim all of the trailer funk for himself. How could he sink any lower than size 54 manpris hanging precariously around his thighs, flip flops with gym socks, and an ever-present Kool? Hopefully we'll all get a chance to find out at next Tuesday's Billboard Music Awards, where Kevin is rumored to be performing his genius single "Y'all Ain't Ready". We're imagining a baggy, used-to-be-white pair of Fruit of the Loom boxer briefs with a wife beater emblazoned with the words "Official Deadbeat Dad" and a pair of mukluks. That's sure to keep increasing his change amounts.
Britney: single and sexy at MrSkin.com.
