When you were in sixth grade, you turned on MTV and saw Adam Curry introduce "an exciting new artist" named Whitney Houston. On your screen appeared a beautiful woman in a flouncy tiered bubble skirt, her spiral corkscrew extensions bobbling and floating as her warm, rich, five billion octave voice reached out to you like so many musical tentacles and awakened a new, special feeling "down there". Guess what? The same thing happened to Osama bin Laden.
Didn't we almost have it Allah?
Even maniacal mass-murdering terrorist masterminds fall victim to puppy love: according to a woman who claims that she was his "sex slave", Osama bin Laden harbored an intense love jones for Whitney Houston. Kola Boof, a delightfully-monikered Sudanese poet and writer has penned an autobiography called Diary of a Lost Girl, in which she details her days as bin Laden's alleged sex slave (poet, novelist, sex slave . . . is there anything this woman can't do?). Some exerpts appeared in the September issue of Harper's, and Boof states:
"He said that he had a paramount desire for [Houston] and although he claimed music was evil, he spoke of someday spending vast amounts of money to go to America and try to arrange a meeting.
"He said he wanted to give [her] a mansion that he owned in a suburb of Khartoum. He explained to me that to possess Whitney, he would be willing to break his color rule and make her one of his wives."
(But as much as bin Laden adored Houston, he was also dismissive of black women.) "African women are only good for a man's lower pleasures," bin Laden supposedly said. "What need do you have for a womb?"
"[He would say] how beautiful she is, what a nice smile she has, how truly Islamic she is but is just brainwashed by American culture and by her husband – Bobby Brown, whom Osama talked about having killed, as if it were normal to have womens' husbands killed.
"In his briefcase, I would come across photographs of the Star [magazine], as well as copies of Playboy. It would soon come to the point where I was sick of hearing Whitney Houston's name."
We're assuming Osama hasn't seen pictures of Whitney lately. No use crying over what could have been, but we can't help thinking that if Whitney were able to quash her love of American culture, dismiss Bobby Brown, let her deep, innate Islamicness shine through, and submit to bin Laden's lower pleasures, our country might be in a very different political position today. However, the question remains: would Osama dig a dootie bubble out of her butt?
If you need pics of Whit, head to MrSkin.com.
