Ben Affleck For Rent

Hollywood bloat-bag-turned-director Ben Affleck has auctioned himself off for charity. And someone actually paid $28,300 for the pleasure of his presence. If we don't finish this story, don't worry; we've just retreated to the bomb shelter that we built in case we thought the world was about to end.

So what did poor, misguided Mark Denyse get for the better part of $30,000? One fabulous night of dining and sparkling conversation at the restaurant Bonfire in Boston with the star of some of the greatest (and most profitable) movies of our time. We're guessing that the evening began with Fleck demonstrating his talents through a recreation of Gigli's most memorable scene: "In every relationship, there's a bull and a cow. It just so happens that in this relationship, right here with me and you, I'm the bull, you're the cow. Alright? Bull. Cow. You got that?" After a few mojitos and some pineapple-guava salsa, a screen was lowered from the ceiling for an interactive showing of Surviving Christmas, complete with Ben's thoughts on his motives and methods for each scene. "You see, right here, when Tony Soprano, er, I mean James Gandolfini, is about to hit me with a shovel, I was remembering a time when I was eight years old and some little jerkoff threw my Blow Pop in the dirt." Whatever may have transpired on this glorious evening, it most likely ensured that Mark Denyse will never display his generosity for charity again. We're just surprised that Denyse wasn't outbid by Matt Damon. We've heard he's been feeling a little lonely and rejected since Ben's been spending so much time with that Elektra broad.

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