As far as we can tell, Julia Roberts appeals to a very specific type of moviegoer: 42-year-old secretaries with dull-brown bobs who have two cats, no children, live in rented apartments with floral curtains, drink Slim Fast, and eat an abundance of cabbage. Not a terribly large market. But for some reason movie bosses still think the former pretend hooker sells tickets and are willing to pay her handsomely to flash 82 teeth at a movie camera. How handsomely? How about half a million dollars per minute? That’s what she made for her six minutes of screen time in the polished red turd that is Valentine’s Day. Says New York magazine:

New Line Cinema paid Roberts $3 million up front against 3 percent of the gross for what is little more than an extended cameo. That comes out to an astonishing $8,333 per second of screen time, or roughly $500,000 a minute. Verbally, it’s a minimum of $11,952 per spoken word.

Holy stromboli, that’s a lot of cheddar. We understand Halle Berry getting half a mil to show her cocoa berries in Swordfish, because, hey, they’re boobies. All Julia Roberts did in Valentine’s Day was (we surmise from the odious trailer) gab about looooooove on a plane with Bradley Cooper. And she got six times what Halle got. For that kind of money in six minutes, you’d think she’d have to shove a boa constrictor up her cooter or something.

You might think this is sick (wait, we’re talking to CelebNewsWire readers, here; there’s no way in damnation you’ll think this is sick, you filthy perverts), but we love hearing about celebrities injuring their pee-pee areas. Channing Tatum’s boiled wiener is comedy gold around here. But today we’ve got charred hairpie on the menu. Yum! Sandra Bullock tells a tale of pube prettification gone wrong:

I decided for Valentine’s Day I would do a special hair thing. I wanted to try to create a pink heart shape with my lower hair. It was painful.

You had to bleach it first. There’s something about bleach that feels like acid. Then I had to shave it. I was in so much pain, but I kept going and put the pink dye on and it went the wrong color.

And now, a private conversation between Sandra Bullock and her twat tuft:

Sandra: Heart-shaped pink pubic pouf, yer changin’ mah lahf.

Sandra’s snatch stubble: No. Yer changin’ mahn.

We assume that models don’t have the strength or energy to do things like hold grudges or throw hissyfits. All of the vitality they gain from munching on carrot sticks thrice daily goes into sticking out their boobs and pouting their lips when the flashbulbs start. But apparently Bar Refaeli has a bit more fortitude than your average model. And she’s using it to get really, really jealous that Brooklyn Decker is on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and not her. A source told the New York Daily News that Bar wasn’t too pleasant at the SI launch party on Tuesday.

She had a scowl on her face and wouldn’t even look up for photographers who had been waiting for hours in the freezing cold outside.

She even walked right by fans who were pleading for her to sign her past issues of Sports Illustrated.

Brooklyn had stood in a tiny mini-dress posing with the same fans. When Bar tried to walk by, one finally yelled ‘But Brooklyn did it!’ – and that got her attention.

Bar then turned around, begrudgingly retraced her steps and agreed to do the same. But she still looked pretty miserable throughout the night.

Awww, poor skinny baby didn’t get to be on the front of a magazine. That’s so sad. That’s like Haitian orphans with malaria and AIDS and diphtheria and the runs sad. So cheer up with Bar Refaeli bikini pics.

Jennifer Garner seems about as wholesome as a Pottery Barn basket filled with downy baby kittens. She probably spends her days cleaning pudding stains out of onsies while simultaneously roasting a chicken, wallpapering the powder room, and teaching her children conversational French. Or so you would think. Really, she’s busy giving foot jobs to dolphins. OK, she only did it once. And she didn’t do it on porpoise. Hi yo! We’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.

We generally don’t give two farts about the Super Bowl. It was probably childhood that did it, since our first experience of the big game involved singing “You’re lookin’ at the Fridge, I’m the rookie. I may be large, but I’m no dumb cookie” in music class. What could top that? But while we counteract our boredom with beer and Doritos (the official snack chip of the Super Bowl), some people just turn to humping. People like Gossip Girl stars Jessica Szohr and Ed Westwick. Says Page Six:

“Gossip Girl” co-stars and real-life lovers Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr did their best to put the breakup rumors to bed at Maxim’s Super Bowl party at the Raleigh in Miami. “They spent most of the night dodging cameras in one of the back cabanas, where they were making out like crazy,” says a spy. “It looked like they were having sex.”

Chace Crawford’s Jessica Szohr costume must be looking really convincing these days.

When we heard back in December that Kate Hudson and A-Rod had broken up, we were devastated. We didn’t eat for weeks. We just weeped, “Why? Why?” over and over while stroking our A-Rod Topps card and watching Almost Famous. But in our heart there was hope. Hope that love would survive, even if it wasn’t with each other. And at last these two pretty people have moved on to other vaginas/man-pussies. A-Rod was seen canoodling with Cameron Diaz at a pre-Super Bowl party on Saturday. Says OK!:

“They were having a great time,” a partygoer tells OK! while Cameron was, “grinding on A-Rod.”

According to the partygoer, a tipsy Cameron was being very, “fun and flirty,” with the Yankee player sitting on the couch beside her as she, “was dancing by herself and then turning into [Alex] some.”

Meanwhile, Kate’s looking to get herself a taste of the Timbersnake. The National Enquirer (via Celebitchy) claims:

At the SAGs, “Kate flirted with Justin outrageously that night, and he was all over her… they exchanged numbers in the green room.”

Rumors persist that the love affair between Justin and Jessica [Biel] has all but crumbled and that both are ready to move on. “Kate wouldn’t dream about stealing another girl’s guy. But in Hollywood, most people believe JT and Jessica are now all but over. They’re certainly not red-hot for each other anymore.”

“Kate wants a man who is easy to be with. And that’s certainly Justin… but Kate’s not rushing into anything. She’s always had a crush on Justin and she’s following her instincts.”

Well, it’s nice to know that Kate would never steal another girl’s boyfriend. Unless of course said boyfriend is no longer in love with the girl. Or unless said boyfriend is really hot. Or really famous. Or really funny. So you see, she really had no choice here, Biel or not. But Hudson better watch her back just in case Biel is still in the JT business, cause that girl looks like could kick your cooter so hard she’d puncture a lung.

It looks like Chris “Doo Doo” Brown may finally be relinquishing his well-earned title of A ASSHOLE. Who do you think the big macho lady-beating manly man wiener head is who’s taking it away? Mel Gibson? Ben Affleck? The Situation? Nah. It’s Sam Ronson. She allegedly beats the crap out of sorta-maybe-sometimes-ex-girlfriend Lindsay Lohan. A source told Radar:

One time I saw her [Lindsay] and she had a large welt on her head.

She told me that Sam beat the (bleep) out of her. She also said that Sam even punched and choked her one time.

It’s so twisted. They’re not together, but they are. I never thought I’d ever say this, but I really do feel sorry for Lindsay. She is just lost. She’s alone. She has no friends to turn to.

We were all set up to make a joke about Sam being Dyke Turner to Lindsay’s Tina, but then we realized that we’re assholes and started feeling really sad for Lindsay. Seriously, girl, you deserve better than getting bloodied up by a DJ who looks like the love child of Aaron Carter and Anderson Cooper.

We have tried very, very hard to ignore the movie Valentine’s Day (and the holiday, for that matter). From what we can gather from the commercials, it’s He’s Just Not that into You with Julia Roberts instead of Jennifer Aniston, and more sappy love crap than whining about not understanding the internet. But apparently Anne Hathaway‘s in it. She’s pretty. But since she’s not pretty and naked in it, we’ll skip the movie and just watch Anne promote the movie. Cause the way she’s doing that is by almost giving up nipple in GQ and talking about how Jennifer Garner looks really awesome when she kisses people in movies.

If you’re both unattached and you get along, of course kissing in a movie is fun. But you can never get truly down and into it. Well, I can’t. Jennifer Garner – now that girl can movie kiss. I gotta say, that girl can really give it some up there . . . You have to understand. There’s a technique for pretty movie kissing. There’s also full-on movie kissing – a totally different experience. But really, you have to be like Angelina Jolie to pull that off and still look good. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I ain’t no Angie.

Nah, if she were Angie, she never would have talked about kissing being fun. There is no such word in Jolie’s vocabulary.

You probably think that Lindsay Lohan is hard at work with a bunch of Rubbermaid bins and a couple packs of Swiffers trying to rid her home of an Alpine pile of free shit, but you don’t know her very well, do you? She’s actually been busy boozing, popping pills, grinding on girlies, and getting into public fights with past pussy pal Sam Ronson. Radar claims that LiLo showed up at one of SamRo’s DJ gigs chugging from a vodka bottle, chomping on Adderal, and looking for some action. A source gabbed:

“Lindsay was trying to get Sam’s attention, but she was working and studiously ignored Lindsay. You could see Lindsay getting more and more worked up the more Sam didn’t pay her any attention. At one point Lindsay was dirty dancing with this really pretty girl right in front of Sam, obviously to try and make her jealous.

“Sam just got sick of it all in the end though and started taunting Lindsay about her being all drunk and messed up. She said to Lindsay, “Why don’t you just have another drink?” and even told her, “You’re a disgrace”.

“That made Lindsay just totally flip out on Sam. She picked up a drink and threw it straight in her face! Sam was absolutely furious and picked up some DJ equipment that was by her and threw that at Lindsay. It was crazy!

We’re not saying this is totally made up or anything, but if this story had continued and described how Sam broke a Lady Gaga 12″ over Lindsay’s head and then Lindsay, who happened to be standing next to a fully stocked dessert case, whacked Sam in the maw with a coconut cream pie, it wouldn’t really seem like an odd progression.

Lauren Bush: Do you think the camera’s getting my good side? This is my good side, right? Oh, I can’t remember. Maybe I should pull my dress down a little more just in case.

Barbara Bush: If this guy touches me again, I swear I’ll scream. Daddy gave me a rape whistle for moments like this. God, I wish I still had service following me. This is creeping me out.

Vincent Gallo: Which one of these of these girls would make a good lead in The Brown Bunny 2? The one in green’s hotter, but the other one looks dumber, like she could be talked into anything.